This month marks my seventh anniversary self-publishing. It’s been a crazy ride, but it’s also been a fairly lonely one for the most part. I started self-publishing because my first book Keep More Money was written for a very niche audience (small business owners looking for an accountant), and I didn’t think traditional publishers would be interested in it. 

When I wrote my first novel, I submitted to about 85 people—a mix of agents and publishers—over about eight months. I got tired of the negative responses and mostly radio silence those submissions received, so I made the decision to self-publish. 

Until 2021, I had a wonderful writing friend. We would trade manuscripts and send each other emails with feedback. It made self-publishing feel a little less lonely. Unfortunately that friend died, and I never got the nerve to find a new buddy to write with. 

As you can imagine, I began to feel the loneliness once again. So, last summer, I made the decision to start querying again. I’ve sent about 50 queries so far, spread out over three main projects.

While I’ve mostly received no response, I’ve received many rejections as well. While I’ve become more resilient over the years, each rejection still stings, evoking a torrent of emotions. It struck me how closely these feelings mirror the stages of grief. I thought maybe if I explored this, I might be able to come up with strategies to cope with the inevitable rejections that come with creative pursuits.

This is in no way meant to make light of other types of grief, such as the loss of a loved one or a pet. These are just my observations of my own feelings in response to rejection. I thought I’d make them public in the hopes they might help someone else. If you’re querying and feeling the hurt of rejection. You’re not alone!

The Submission Process: A Journey of Hope and Vulnerability

Submitting a piece of writing or art (I’m also an illustrator) is an act filled with hope and vulnerability. There's an inherent excitement in the possibility of sharing a part of ourselves with the world. Yet, with this hope comes the vulnerability of exposing our work to judgment and potential rejection.

I get excited every time I send something off, and I try to remain hopeful until I hear something back. One problem with this is that sometimes I never hear back. I once heard back about my first novel two years after submitting it. 

The Five Stages of Grief in Relation to Submission Rejection

In the journey of a creative professional, submission rejections are an inevitable rite of passage. Yet, each rejection carries with it an emotional toll, mirroring the well-known five stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. 

This parallel is not coincidental; it reflects the deep connection creators have with their work, akin to a part of their soul laid bare for judgment. As we delve into these stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—we gain insight into the psychological process that unfolds in the wake of rejection. 

Understanding these stages can not only help us navigate our emotional responses more effectively but also offer a framework for resilience and growth. Through this exploration, we aim to shine a light on the emotional journey of rejection, providing some comfort and strategies for those who find themselves adrift in its wake.

1. Denial: The initial reaction is often one of disbelief. Perhaps they didn't understand my work, we might think, trying to cushion the blow to our confidence. Maybe they didn’t read what I sent?

2. Anger: Then comes the anger. It might be directed at the editors, the industry, or even (in my case) at ourselves. This stage can be fraught with questions like, "Why isn't my work good enough?"

3. Bargaining: We might find ourselves ruminating over what we could have done differently. "If only I had chosen a different theme," or "Maybe if I had a better connection..."

4. Depression: A sense of sadness and discouragement follows. The rejection feels personal, and it can be challenging to separate our work from our self-worth. This the point where I always consider quitting and looking for a 9-5 job where I don’t need to use my brain. I don’t because I know I would still have to write stories and draw pictures. It’s part of who I am, and it makes me happy even if my work doesn’t make other people happy.

5. Acceptance: Eventually, we reach a point of acceptance. We understand that rejection is not a reflection of our entire worth as creatives, and we begin to look forward to new opportunities.

Personal Reflections: When Rejections Hit Hard

I feel like I must be extra sensitive, because rejections still hurt after all this time. I know they are part of the process, but I can’t help thinking, what if rejections are all I ever hear? I guess, in that case, I’ll have to keep self-publishing, or keep my work for my inner circle to enjoy. 

Inevitably, my submissions start to dwindle after several rejections, and it takes me a while to gain my confidence and start sending more out again. I hope by understanding and recognizing the stages of submission grief, I can get my confidence back quicker and keep going. 

Coping Mechanisms and Strategies

Here are some strategies I've found helpful in dealing with rejection:

• Seek Peer Support: Talking with fellow writers and artists can be incredibly comforting.

• Engage in Self-Care: Take time to nurture yourself emotionally and physically.

• Reframe Rejection: View each rejection as a stepping stone towards improvement. Have you heard the advice about collecting 100 rejections? Get those out of the way so you can get to that big YES!

• Maintain Perspective: Remember that rejection is a part of every creative's journey and not the end of the road. It’s unfortunate but true. It’s just part of the process. 

Turning Rejection Into a Growth Opportunity

One of the unfortunate things about rejection in the publishing industry is that it doesn’t come with feedback. Agents and publishers are just too busy to provide feedback that could improve your manuscript. This is the part that is hard for me to accept. I always feel like if there was a specific reason attached to the rejection, maybe it would be easier for me to accept it. 

Rejection, while painful, can also be a powerful catalyst for growth. Soliciting feedback and using it constructively can lead to significant improvements in our work. While you may not get any feedback from the person you sent your manuscript to, you can ask a trusted friend who reads a lot in your genre or hire an editor you trust to provide their insights. 

Rejection, much like grief, is a process. It's important to remember that it's not a definitive statement of our worth or talent. Each rejection is merely a step in the larger journey of our creative lives. As we navigate these waters, let's remind ourselves of the resilience and perseverance that define us as creatives.

I'd love to hear about your experiences with submission rejections and how you've coped. Please share your thoughts and advice in the comments below, and let's continue to support each other in this journey.